Vocabulary
What do you think of when you hear the word “perfectionist”?
Someone always striving to be the best? Always working to make their output better?
Or do you instead think of someone never satisfied, someone terrified of calling something ‘finished’ and possibly failing?
For a long time, I thought being called a perfectionist was a compliment. It wasn’t until about halfway through college that I decided I didn’t want to be a perfectionist, and I’m STILL working on changing my behaviors and outlook so that I allow myself to fail.
Insult
I think we, as a society, need to change the way we view the word “perfectionist”. It’s an insult, not a compliment. I’ve had people recommend that I say “I am a perfectionist” in job interviews, but that should be a giant red flag to any hiring company.
Why?
Because perfectionists aren’t trying to be “better”. They’re trying to be “perfect”.
As humans, we rarely attain “perfect”.
So how should we view a word that literally translates into “a person seeking something they shall never find”? How about “insane”. Can we equate “insane” with “perfectionist”?
Problem
The problem is twofold.
One – Trying to do better is good. Humans being the way we are, if something is good, then more of it must be better, right? So instead of being happy with trying to do better, we push it to the limit, and say we must try to be perfect.
Two – What happens when you don’t reach perfect? Why bother even trying, if you know you can’t reach the goal? Rather than giving themselves a more reasonable goal, they give up altogether. A true perfectionist doesn’t give up. They keep trying, keep striving, keep pushing themselves to their utmost – and when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they punish themselves for not succeeding. They see everything short of perfection as failure. They become bare wires, stretched between stressed burnout and depression.
How Can You Tell If You’re A Perfectionist?
The test is easy. When you do something very well – writing, playing a video game, taking an exam, finishing something at work – how do you feel?
Do you feel jubilant? Are you ready to celebrate? Do you crow and dance and laugh and tell yourself how happy you are?
Or do you feel relief? Thank heavens, you got past another one without failure.
High School
That second one was me in high school. If I got a 100 on an exam, I wasn’t happy. I was RELIEVED. I lived up to my expectations, and the expectations I assumed my friends, family, and teachers had for me. If I got a 91 (still an A, but a very low A) I was plunged into the depths of despair. How could I have made such a poor grade? I failed to study properly, I failed to pay attention, I could have – no SHOULD have – done better.
A 91, people!!!
Failure
I wish, as a child, I had been encouraged to fail. To view failure as a victory in its own rights, because at least I TRIED.
Anyone who feels even the slightest bit of empathy for this viewpoint, I cannot recommend the movie Meet The Robinsons enough. It’s a fun, cartoony, crazy movie about a kid and a time machine, and I wish it was required watching for kids. The moral is “Keep Moving Forward”, and two scenes stand out in my mind.
- At dinner, the main character tries to fix the peanut butter and jelly toast machine and fails with disastrously messy consequences. He immediately begins apologizing and berating himself, and the family CHEERS at him and tells him what a spectacular failure it was.
- When discussing the time machine, the main character is told of an immense warehouse full of errors, mistakes, and failures that led to the first working prototype of the time machine. What if the inventor had stopped after failing just a few times?
You
Any other recovering perfectionists out there? Do you think our society breeds perfectionists, or that we pick on ourselves? (I honestly don’t know, I’ve led a sheltered life inside this skull).
When it comes to certain things I can say I take them a bit too seroiusly. Definately when it comes to work.
Dechion´s last blog ..A quarter pounder, a chocolate shake, and your number please….
You know how I am already.
And this is a great read, but I have a single bone to pick. “I wish, as a child, I had been encouraged to fail. To view failure as a victory in its own rights, because at least I TRIED.”
Specifically, failure should be viewed as a victory so long as the person knows that the failure is something to be learned from. Failing or succeeding is something to be learned from. Everything that happens is something to be learned from.
The problem people typically have is that when they fail its either a) someone elses fault, b) well at least now thats over, c) the result is ignored because the task was completed aka “I dont care if its shit work, I did my portion” or a pass the buck mentality or d) many other variations or combinations.
Point being, there is a lessoned to be learned from activity of any sort and perhaps the biggest error is to thing there is ever an endpoint at all.
“It only ends once, everything that happens before that…it’s just progress.”
@Rhotley
Agreed, and a good clarification. I was looking at it from the point of view of a recovering perfectionist. ANY failure is bad – that’s a fallacy. Learning to accept any failure at all is progress, but as you noted, not all failure is good.
My meaning was that you or anyone shouldnt be encouranged to fail, just not discouraged when you do fail (especially when you fail to meet you own lofty goal). Noticing that the failure is a reward (again, some times) is the issue.
One cannot always ask “what did I learn from this?” but more often than not, the attempt isnt even made.
The best example that currently comes to mind is your art over the years. Or hell, your writing. You knew where you stood, know where you stand, and can look back and see the difference. You may not have realized it the first time you inked something, but you learned from that experience. If you inked a piece now as you did your first one, you would think it bad, or a failure. But doing it to that level then was a learning experience, that could just as well have discouraged.
@Rhotley
An excellent example. =]
A very well-written take on being a “recovering perfectionist!”
Honestly, I don’t know if I would (or could) call myself a perfectionist. I mean, I’m looking at the example you gave from high school – I always did very well academically (and socially), but I also knew my limits. Did I stop myself from doing things such as trying out for choral solos because I was afraid of both failure and success?
I think I became a perfectionist in college (you remember those days …), but lost that academic drive once I hit vet school. It’s come back, though, just because I feel that I need to do things “perfectly” and am afraid of “failure” – especially when it could mean some animal’s life.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this comment. In any case, good reading! :)
This post, and the stream of thought that came from it had me writing a post myself not long after. Actually about how once upon a time I watced a team win because they lost.
Just thought you might like to know that.
Dechion´s last blog ..Line in the sand
@Heather
^_^
@Dechion
Wow, what an incredible post. I recommend anyone reading the comments to check out that “last blog” link from him!
Reminds me of myself, my father still prods me to perfection and it drives me (and my wife insane).
For example, I just got a 96 on my guitar test the other day. I was upset because I didn’t have the chords sounding perfectly and thus was in a gloomy mood for the rest of the day. My wife was like (I would die for those kind of grades). I dunno, all my life I was taught that you just were not the best unless it was the very best.
All of this reminds me of Trigun and a bit like “Mistake” by Fiona Apple.
While I wouldn’t use the term “perfectionist” to describe myself, at least not any more than I would the word “sophist” for similar reasons, I identify fairly well with some of the description above. I think there’s some subtlety here that’s getting missed in favor of painting perfectionists with broad strokes. There’s a difference between “striving for perfection” and “giving up because you’ll never attain it” or allowing your failures to cripple you. In my mind, perfection is a driving force and, depending on how you mentally slice up your world, a rarely attainable goal.
I think the real issue is how you handle not actually being perfect. What impact does the idea of falling short have on your behavior and thought processes? For me, not being perfect doesn’t keep me from trying something or cause me to quit doing something. Sure, there’s a degree of failure I won’t accept, but that’s just about having standards and making sure they’re reasonable. That, in and of itself, doesn’t even have to relate to perfectionism.
…and then I thought, man, I should’ve just said, “Yeah.” ;)
@Byrd
“you just were not the best unless it was the very best.” – The problem with that is the implication that “best” is the only option. Reminds me of Ricky Bobby – “If you’re not first, you’re last!”
@Brad-o
Just looked up that Fiona Apple song – it’s really strange.
Also, I’ll totally agree with your pointing out the real issue. It’s not the “perfect” that’s the problem, it’s the reaction to not being perfect.
So much truth. I finally learned to give this up somewhat in College, when I took a semester that made me realize, flat out, that if I didn’t give up on perfect, I was going to have a breakdown. Fortunately I /did/ realize that, allowed myself to let down on the performance side of things (earning the only B on my transcript in a piano class – OH THE HORROR) in order to focus on what I loved – the history side of my degree.
I also think blogging has helped with that aspect of my writing? Because it becomes less “is this perfect” and more “this needs to get posted in the next 20 minutes”.
And though I’m hardly a no-holds-barred promoter of her system, FlyLady certainly has THAT element down pat. There’s no such thing as perfect. Do what you can, with what you have, and enjoy that those things got done. With a lot of things, it’s more important that they get done at all than it is that they get done “perfectly” – especially when it comes to housework!
@Tami
Sadly, I wonder if that is how my father feels all the time…
@Anna
Ha! Your college thing sounds similar to mine – only mine was a very low C in Statistics, followed by a high B that I busted my tail to get (and am incredibly proud of) in Discrete Mathematics.
And I need to look up FlyLady. ^_^
Love the observation that with lots of things, it’s more important that they get done!
@Byrd
Then, I feel bad for him, because the world must be an incredibly disappointing place to live in.